when will one understands me?

haiz.
just feeling troubled all of a sudden.
im packing my leftover clothes into the stupid box once again
all rack up. messy.
like me.
im like an idiot. walking from one room to another room
just to type this miserable post.
the house once again belongs to me and me only.
woke up, no one's there to greet me good morning.
just a simple sentence. "i love you" "how's your day" "take care"
n0t even i hug i received from my parents.
sometimes they do say, but i didnt even bother to reply cos
they had a motive after asking that.
told them so many times how i had felt to their way of giving love.
nothing changed.
talked to bro about this. he said this " if you feel this's hard, den you dunoe how
cruel the world is"
actually i was quarrelling with my mother on the last day of the tour.
cried and cried the whole day. i was roaming the shopping centre myself.
father called and smsed but i didnt care. all i did was went to a corner and cried.
brother was the one who approached me and talked.
all i kn0w is to complain.
looking at those photo albums once again, made me realised
i never suffered once. whatever i call "suffered" was just being a pampered
princess.
was talking to him abit of my past yesterday.
i studied for the sake of keeping my ipod, hp, teebee, com to myself.
i didnt studied for the sake of learning new knowledge or getting a cert
until last year.
throughout my life, i only knew how to enjoy, spending money.
insensible girl.
i just cant get to understand what my parents are doing.
so why should i complain that they never said good morning or whatever
shyt when i dun do it.
gosh. im confusing myself.
so who's at fault.
i know im definitely at fault cos for no reason i'll just raise my voice at my mum
den quarrels start, and for my stubborn and lazy character parents seems
to give up hope on me, and i CANNOT dun rely my parents for anything.
and here, im being an unfilial, wang en fu yi daughter scolding behind their backs when
what they are doing to me is for my own good.
i just cant get that straight in my head.


now. everyone starting sch.
im the only one who still finding job ever since O lvl.
though some envied that i have 9months holidays. i regretted not
going for any courses in the meantime. i wan to learn something new but
im plain lazy to go and search for one.
im such a pathetic asshole. and now moe found out unsw misread their terms and
conditions.
how lucky can i get.
im really really really a pile of shyt.
that's what my parents usually calls me in the midst of quarrels.
cos i cant do anything right. and i dun learn anything that's outside the books.
true. now i agree with them.
im such a money spender.
found lots and lots of dresses. recently even bought 3 more dresses.
but i dun even wear dress! but they are pretty. lols.
im just to lazy to change my bad habits.


no longer enjoying the genuine satisfaction i can get
just by reading books, pure listening to classical and jazz music
and doing some cleaning.
these simple things used to be part of my life.
now all i kn0w is to have fun, spend lots of money, losing myself.
i left lynette somewhere, some zillion years ago.
do you know me?



i seriously dun think i deserve what i have now.
i rather God punish me and made me lost whatever i cherished in my heart
whether realising it and give me pain that i'll never forget.



it's too late to apologise.
i need you
i need you here
i need you now
i need security somehow
i need you
like you would not believe
you're the only thing i want
cause you're everything i need