Do you tell them you love them?

yesterday i stayed over at my place.
since there wasnt any internet so i was out mingling with my roommates in the living room
and i got quite a spare time to think about myself.

and i just read joey's blog..
i do have huge issues about my ego and comfort zone.
and im still procrastinating about it.

actually i realised that long ago.
but due to stubbornness, laziness, blah blah, i dont wanna change those.


mum rang dad. it's my turn to talk to him

hello.
deee.
how's your stomach? you still have stomach
problems?
no lah. it's fine alrdy.
(pause) if you say it's fine then fine
lor.
orh.
(pause again) well, i got nothing to say to you. If
anything, you can just call me, sms me or email. okay?
okay dee.

and i burst into tears.
i should have a better conversation with him. i should have.
i dont know why i cant.
i dont know why i can show all my concern and love to my friends and boyfriend but not to my family.
i dont want to let them know i care for them.
and i also dont dare to let them know i love them.

i alrdy have one biggest regret that was to let the guy i love most in my entire life to go because i didnt let him to come close to me. (no it is not rongbin)
i dont want my family to replace that biggest regret.
but im not doing anything! that's the fucking problem.

I dont know what thing/situation or who is able to make me change.
I know i can change myself if i want to.
but i cant.
I know i cant depend on anyone.

this is so confusing. okay.
i never really did anything on my own.
i feed myself from mum's cooking or they buy out. i also sleep with the help of music from my laptop. i only do things when being prompt.

the only thing that i do on my own is when im helping others.
i just realised i always always help others on their problems but not on mine. I always put on hold.
maybe it's because i know i cant solve my problems, i rather help others to solve.
i will do no matter what it takes.
sigh.

i dont know what im talking now.


i dont know when im going to show my concern.
Zenith told me to talk to God.
okay. =\

and at the same time, i just received the card from serkiat.
thanks girl. that letter does mean alot to me. thanks for those words of encouragement.


it's been quite a low day.
partly it's the monthly that's contributing it.
it hurts so much today that i almost made my mum worried sick on the streets because i almost fainted.


i hope my procrastinatings, stubbornness, laziness will all be changed for the better for my studies so i will make my parents proud at the very least. Then they didnt waste a single money on me.
I know it will be tough on me since i never suffered any hardships at all. Im not perfect.
I will strive and preservere. I pray God for the strength for this 4 years.



im feeling better, thanks.