I need so much more.

how i wish i could blog how i used to in the past.
There's so much emotions in me. I dont know what are the other ways to release it anymore.
I feel so pressurized.

Brother's gone to melbourne. Im all alone again.

I need comfort.
I need to be sane.

You know how people are quite copy cats even in suicide manner?
Someone hang herself/himself in the room in one of the school hostel due to depression.
I've been seeing self-multilated pictures.
I've been thinking of jumping off my window non stop.
I've been crying everyday but no one knows.

No. not even Zenith. No one knows what im thinking.
Im depressed. No, im not gonna seek help.
Im ruining my own relationship. It is like beyond hope. Both of us are not happy anymore.
Right now, i need him more than i ever need him, probably 5x more than he can give.
So im not asking. It is pointless to ask someone to be more patient, more loving, more supportive when he's at the limit.
Everyday, im expecting him to leave me. Really.
I even told him that my expectation of him is as low as he can leave me.
I cant see how this relationship is going to get any better with all my emotional rollercoasters and my hate for iphone 4.

I hate iphone 4 because it changes him.
Im not the thing that makes him happy anymore. It is making him happy.
Im not the thing on his mind 24/7.
Im not the thing he wants to show off.
Im not anything.

We're not us.

There are tonnes of girls who can make him happy in many ways.
Im really better off dead because im really tired to always compete myself to be more positive.
I cant anymore.
I dont have anything in life to make myself more positive anymore.

i'll see you when i see you.