pessimistic. optimistic. tell me what should i be.

i just read through the previous posts and i realised how fake i am/was.
what the fuck am i saying those blardy stuffs.
i wasnt really myself lately recently.
having fun yet not enjoying.
doing something yet mind's somewhere else.
i dun even know what i am doing lahs.
to be nice or not to be nice to people.
no matter how many times i try to believe
that there are still people i can trust,
that there's always a way when there's will,
that there's such things as blessing in disguise,
that when i grasp that glimpse of hope, everything will turn for the better,
that people can change
that good things await for people who waits.. etc.
there are surely events/incidents that are trying to tell me otherwise.
for eg such quotes like leopard never changes its spots,
humans are selfish, shou zhu dai tu, blah blah.
they exists because it happens too.


all these times, since 31st i had been wondering about the balance between these.
i used to believe that even it seems impossible, but if i just make use of that 1% of that little
hope, maybe things will still turn out right.
it always failed. but i still go on believing it because maybe it's His decision
sigh~
how naive can i get. or rather stubbornly naive.
close frens, best frens, just frens and even classmates tell me that too.
why? tell me why i cant believe it?
miracles do happen.
i just refused to believe that this harsh reality rules it all.
whenever some unhappy incidents happened,
there's this one small tiny side of me wants to believe it's a blessing in disguise.
or i tell myself that this is what He plans for me.


i dunoe. im still stuck in the turmoil.
my instincts tell me that soon i will know the answers.
i wonder how soon.
it's pretty saddening how everyone's in "depression" state and there's no one
to believe that things will always turn out better in the end.
they might as well go and die lahs.
that's not the way to live your life.
omg. feel like banging my head to the wall.


here has arrived 2008, so?
it's just another year. only numbers changed.
it's kinda stupid to go and celebrate the end of year and go happy
and use it an excuse to earse all your troubles away and start afresh.
you can always do that any other day.
somehow or rather, i just feel that end of year and a new year serves no purpose
except for time marking.
fun's not fun anymore to me.
partying's just like going to gym. burning off those excess energy inside me.


today's another day for lynette to ponder ponder ponder.
school's starting monday.
no more naruto, no more dvds, no more shopping, no more idling.
as if. lols.
i watched naruto finished le. dvds too.
shopping i will do it soon.
idling. i can idle anywhere i want. :D


been meetin boy for dunoe how many consecutive days oready.
watched avp2. damn gross.
i felt super nauseous after that movie. wah laus.
i regretted eating while watching.
and oso been bumping into familiar faces. :D
johnson, koksin, alex, jo, etc.
and how i realised since sec 4 i haven changed abit.
everyone around me is changing.
sigh. hadnt been in good terms with dad for the whole month.
perhaps i really really useless in this household anymore.
whatever i do was just a nuisance to them.
all i did was cry cry cry in the end, i still do the same old things.
thinking back, maybe i shouldnt have stop from jumping off the window.


what a troubled post this is.
and im so glad that this aint a fake post. finally.