trust. it worths all my life.

a feeling down all of a sudden.
i hate the feeling of lonesome.
i used to be always alone until i get to know some true friends.
but den when we go to different school, we dont really contact each other that often anymore.
i guess it's still very hard for me to trust people.
because of my childhood, betrayals and something else.

i can give a certain level of trust which is given to most people.
it is not that i dun trust you, but i fear aches.
my experience always pulls me back. remembering the pain that i was given,
i hold back my trust.
betrayal.
it's the worst feeling you can ever have. and i had enough of it.
once you lost the trust of someone, it's very hard to get it back because of the pain that was inflicted.
now i understand the story of the boy who lied 3 times to the people that the wolves came.
imagine your bestest best fren whom you shared a bond with, shared deepest dark secrets with was actually having a r/s with your boyfriend behind your back.
double betrayal. people will tell you to move on. now you know their true colours.

you know it's fucking hard to make a bond with someone.
if that happens to me, 3 scenarios can happen.
- i'll make my presence disappear, continue life somewhere far away where no one know me
- slap the girl, kick the guy's balls den i will be a changed person, and nv treat trust as a big deal and probably give an attitude like " what? did i ask you to buy that? urh, i think you remembered wrongly"
- commit suicide? not really that sure.. or maybe i self-inflict pain till i went mental.
dunoe. the blow will be too big for me to handle, the last option seems much more real to me.

i do see trust as the biggest issue in the world.
yea, people do tell me im quite naive.
somehow certain situations do blind me, making me trusting someone immediately.
i dunoe how.
probably it's because i told myself not to such a stubborn arsehole, maybe this person is trustworthy? break out of your shell, please!
bam! den you knew it's another liar. fuckers


when you tell more secrets or spend more time with the other person, trust develops.
because you only see that person in the world as the most trustworthy one.
im so sick of those hypocrites and office politics.
i can only comfort myself reluctantly that God created us and different personalities served different purpose.


because of the lack of trust, i find it very difficult to voice out my feelings.
as i had said that the more you tell, the deeper the trust.
and hence if something bad happen, the deeper the pain and it does leave a scar. it will be unforgettable. it will be there.
how sure is that you wont betray me in the future and leave me all so lonesome again?
how sure is that?
there's so many things i've yet told my boyfriend because it just takes so much of courage to not to fear of anything and it took months for me to voice out something which may not seem like a big thing to you.
i will always always cry when i wan to say something out which is important to me because im struggling within the inner me.
im crying aloud inside to break free of the shield that i have built it for myself to protect myself from the fucking liars and betrayals and to those who used me.


yes, im crying as i typed this out.
this is one of the touchy issue.
when i share something about my life, an impt one especially, it means i trust you. almost completely.
that's how i do things. i dun care how those fucking bitches laughed at me
because at this point, me gaining trust on people is more impt than i caring how people judge me.

and when i cant tell anyone how i feel due to lack of courage, i always turn to songs that can relate my feelings.

i feel stupid when i give advice to people, the advice doesnt apply to me.
for example, aiya life's like that de lahs, live with it.
or maybe you should talk to your boyfriend, tell him how you feels
it is always easier said than done.
but sometimes, people need a lil bit of hope to be happier. =\

im sentimental too. i do keep every single letter, small gifts in my memory box.
even when im not friends with them anymore.


had a long msn chat with brother.
one sentence that made me laugh.
me : i can never never see how Newton see physics.
bro: sit under an apple's tree



Realize - Colbie Cailat
[V1:]
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you



[C:]
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.


[V2:]
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by..
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.


[C:]
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.


[V3:]
It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.


[C:]
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
OoOoOOo
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now


Realize
Realize
Realize