im offically back! from MIA that is.

youth group.
the ones that saw me grow up.


WEEEEEEE.
im back im back.
after mia.
lalalala.

this isnt my first post.

just updating whatever i had done

while im mia-ing.

i just fucking wish those rapers, molesters and whatever immoral guy

gets prostate cancer.

hor sae arhs. cos if i remember correctly.

prostate is a gland in the male anatomy that helps to produce the semen.

JUST WISH THEY GET IT AND LOSE THEIR PRIDE.

WHO ASK THEM TO RAPE GIRLS AND MOLEST.

FK THEM OFF.

grace and serkiat came my house when i first mia-ed.

i didnt wan to meet grace de.

but she insisted on in coming my house.

i wanted to be left alone.

but she came in as no one was at home.

den i told her the truth.

i was crying like shyt.

i know i should tell someone.

but let me handle and settle my feelings.

initially i chose not to divulge cos i was seriously mentally unstable @some point of my life.
but i shall say it out now.
i was being molested again.
no. im not saying it out to earn sympathy.
thx but no thx. ppl been sending me emails all that.
just saying it out for one time and that's enough for me.
since that incident,
i never go out for lunchbreaks.
thanks to ppl like joyce and maggie for asking abt me.
thx.
though im not really close to both of you.
thx. really thx.



realised im letting my emotions controlling me.
it seems like im trying to get attention.
it's oready the fourth month.
and im not okay yet.
fk. it's damn tiring to be emo on and off.
i feel like confessing alot of stuff.
i hv lied to everyone since young.
im sorry. serious.
God knows how many ppl i have lied to.
i have lost track.
i...
when people hurts you in any way,
you tend to hurt them back.
yes, im hurting my mum.
rmb those lil times, when i was just a small lil kid,
i wanna hold mum's hands in fear of getting lost,
she just pushed me away.
she really did it.
and now she wan to hold mine, i do the same thing.
but one thing i know for sure,
i will nv cry for my grandma.
i will nv shed a tear for her.
call me whatever u want.
you have no idea what she has done to me and my mum.



im tired.
wont smoke no more.
i try not to lie anymore.
i try not to give anymore excuses to God.




walking through the park every single day
seeing all kinds of people.
im thinking of my life.
have i gone through as much as them?
looking at that handicapped uncle at the link way,
having a lil plastic container on his leg.
he's wheelchair-ed
he has only one leg.
but his only leg oso has a cast.
a couple of haising girls donated notes to him.
may God bless their kind souls.
at the bubbletea shop,
some students were playing a fool.
how long can they have fun?
walked home,
everyone's rushing home, comfort zone.
what's waiting for them at home?



my body is getting weaker.
it's telling me something.
i know.
i know it when i fainted in the office one day.
phk it.
i dun even feel like eating.
and i sprained my ankle. i oso dunoe how i faint sia.
all i know i was pretty unstable den blackout den tada~!
but i heard sheryl screamed xD
i nv eat lunch for the whole time except snacking pocky in office
but i still dun understand where my money go to!!! rARRRR
that day was pretty jialat.
i didnt finished whatever i should be doing..
was kinda missing someone. totally occupied my brain.
somemore i think i was doing in slow-mo speed.




anyway. i still haven figure out my life yet.
i still need some time to think more.
but of cos not the depressing ones. i hope.
there's this one occasion when i tried to ran away from home.
found my atm card in my mum's drawer
while she's in the shower lahs.
packed some office clothes plus my ipod,
i opened the door.
kns.. she came out of shower liao.
before that we were quarrelling. about packing clothes again.
she was the one who mouthed out " get out of the house "
okay lor. as i had said if they ask me to get out i kindly grant their wish.
but i was thinking.. sianz-ed scared not enough money...
STAY lors.
that time grace came mahs.. den i think she said den why you nv run away..
im like bo money lahs!
mummy say i very realistic.
xD
serious. den grace said if they know you stayed in this house just to have money
how would they feel?
im like i-dun-give-a-damn attitude.
serious. if i got money i wont live here le..
the MAIN factor is $$$$$
i seriously dun have the feeling to love them.
i nv talk to my father for weeks oready.
my mum is the middle person to pass the msg. i dun give a heck.
cos i come back from work,
im oready on the phone with andre.
after that i go slp le.
can say i hardly talk to them.
but there's once that i slp immediately after i came back from work.
reached home @6, slpt till 10
mum bought duckrice.
i told her i wanted hokkien mee.
dad heard my shouts
he went to buy for me.
but he still didnt talk to me.
i dunoe.




went out with xiaoai a few times.
=) pretty fun. she KEEP buying things lahs. xD
if only i got that kind of money!
T.T



more and more stuff happening during work.
and seriously. if they aint happy with me.
SACK me.
i dun give a damn.
i can jolly well find a better job.
wo bu xi han ni men.
i will never forget what happen on fri de 13th.
fk it.
seriously pk it.
and suay suay... i think i got ghost encounters on that day too.
IT'S REALLY SIBEI SUAY.
totally freak me out.
i keep seeing it!! from 2 plus till 5 plus am
which was when i conked out oready lahs.



den on the 14th of april..
I WAS DAMN HAPPY!!! xD
COS I PAMPERED MYSELF THE WHOLE DAY.
hahahaa.
cos the boss told me dun nd to come on sat le.
i was like FINE! can slp more.
so i woke up as usual. 12pm. xD
cos talked on the phone with him till 5plus.
play play play audition until i shuang.
den help mama dye her hair.
SEEEEEE im still a good girl okay?
T.T probably buying a new house instead of renovating.
cos papa saw this new condo right oppo tanah merah mrt.
omg. i tell you. IT'S FABULOUS T.T
but den move there... I STILL CANNOT GO FOR LATE
NIGHT WALKS AT THE BEACH. RARRRRRR.
DEN I CANNOT ANYTIME HAVE DINNER AT CENTRAL WITH
MY BELOVED EL.
though i hadnt been contacting her.
i really missed her.
omg... im sorry el that i left you alone.
den i oso cannot meet mama and korkor.
if got chalets cannot walk home to take stuff that i forgot.
HAIZ.
HEN MAFAN LAHS.
but den like that nearer to bedok seh.
just take bus 14 can go 85 makan my fav. carrot cake. lalalala.
equal no. of pros and cons. RARRRRR.
leave the decision to my parents.
save my brain cells.
den took my own sweet time to dress up and off i head to orchard!
mama shuang shuang gave me 150 bucks to spend SEH!!!
cos i promised her i wont buy clothes. just makeup and bag.
lalalala.
which i presume i had to return to her.
but it's YING KAI de lahs.. i oready owe her 300 plus plus plus seh.
i still got alot of stuff haven buy. sianz-ed
nvm. at the end of this blardy contract.
i will pamper myself again.
#1 get another pedicure package. i left 2 more pedicures!
#2 SPA treatment for both body and hair.


ah. brain dying. nxt time if rmb den update lahs.
im sooo happy.
first went to makeup store.
wanted to do eyebrow trimming cos it's like shyt sia.
but must make appt. eeeyer. so sunday den do lors.
bought my eyeliner and golden eyeshadow.
that jiejie damn nice sia.
she helped me do smokey effect. WOOTS.
den help me touch up my makeup.
she even taught me how to use liquid eyeliner.
SOOO NICEEEEE!
den i went to far east to buy leather bag.
cos everyone's carrying it!
esp MUIMUI!!!
wah lau. but i dun haf enough cash sia..
I WAN A MUIMUI BAG!!!!!!!!! ARGH.
nvm. when i get my salary i WILL buy. lalala.
tooook my own sweet time again. cos i got lots of time mahs.
my pedicure appt is 8pm.
i was in orchard around 4 plus.
damn early lahs.
he still ask me go jurong find him since i got time.
smack him ar.
i walk alot alot alot of rounds sia.
and i realised something.
HOW COME PAUL TWOHILL'S HAIRSTYLE STILL IN SIA
sooooooo many guys have their hair from the centre to the front
and making a slanted fringe, wearing gothic clothes.
=.=
wah. hen lame lahs.
they are totally like girls when hving curls are in.
cos almost all the girls curled lahs.
but there's this guy that caught my eye.
he damn cute sia.
his front is like those guys but
his back is kinda short and he tied his hair.
it's like a short and stumpy lahs.
HAHAHA!
unique unique.
den went past this body art shop.
wah. nice sia. those tattoos and body piercing.
but i dun dare body piercing.
nxt to it.
it's IT'S HAIRY shop.
their prices reasonable sia..
XIAOAI
YOU MUST TRY MAC DE LIPGLOSS.
OMG. THEIR COLOURS AND TEXTURE SOOOOO NICE CAN?!
nxt time we go together ar!
MAC is my nxt brand. lalalala.
after 3 hours of walking..
i headed back to tampines.
as usual.. bought my mushroom first. HAHA!
wanted to go up to xcraft to buy more studs.
but im like..
dun wan ar.. still can use.



i saw this handicapped uncle outside tampines mrt.
wah laus.
i felt a wrench in my heart can?!
he's soooo pitiful.
he really really begged ppl to give money.
he has lost one of his lower leg
he was lying flat on the ground and "kowtow" to ppl
alot of ppl donate to him. i even saw notes.
bless them and him.
i gave him some notes.
which i kinda regretted later on
cos mama scolded me for returning her only 4bucks.
o well. im psycho-ing myself that im doing a good deed. nth's wrong.
but tears do swell up whenever i think of him on the floor.
i just cant believe how much he has gone through
that he had to resort to this.
it's really unbelieveable.
because everyone around me is hving a good life.
i cant say i really understand him.
even andre oso said im pampered.
yea. im TOO pampered.
i always take things for granted.
im hving this woo-aiya-dun care-i got my parents/boy to tc of me attitude
fk it.
but i dun ever think i can change my character until i have lost someone.
or rather i have lost myself.
I SERIOUSLY DUN UNDERSTAND what's in for us in this world.
argh. im like spending my days like there's no tomorrow.
are we ONLY just preparing ourselves for the Lord during our lives?
im panicking for n0t being fearful of the Lord's coming.





it's damn fun to crap with my consultant in nailpalace.
LOLS.
and that bryan ar.
kns ar he.
call me angmoh.
cos i was quite goldish.
i bought a gold handbag, wore my gold watch, my hair is gold
and my makeup is gold too.
RARRRRR. and he's damn slack lahs.
quite an disadvantage for him to be the only guy in the shop.
but he's shuai lahs..
got alot of girls flirt with him LORS.
peng.
laughed alot while waiting for my red toenails to dry. =))))
ehs. ps. he's n0t my honey de bryan hor!



i do go back to church on sundays.
the sharing is about titus chapter2.
i hope i will honour the Lord from now on.
i shalnt say vuglurities.
i shalnt smoke.
i shalnt drink from nxt month onwards. =x
nononoo. after my birthday lahs.
i shalnt scold anybody UNNCESSARY esp my mum.
i shalnt erms.. i dunoe what else.



baby.
i dun deserve you.
leave before you get more hurt.
im not the one for you.
leave before i get cruel to you.
leave.
i beg you.


and one thing guys.
please dun be "HERO"
wan to save the girl you claim to like
and say things like " i like you but i dun wan to hurt you"
like the para above.
#1 you're giving the insecurity to that girl.
#2 you're trying to the push the decision to the girl.
#3 there's no such thing as i dun wan to hurt you cos there's bound to be hurt
in a relationship.
#4 this is a false impression you're making on a girl that you "ARE" a REAL nice guy.



that's totally bullshyt.
oh no. it should be toot.
AH!
argh. sick of this kind of guys. hen bu WEI DA lors.


cigarettes wont ease my pain.

wait arh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENEDICT KOR. HEHS. YOU'RE 27 OREADY! xD