realizations to the whole me.

Relationships are like glass; sometimes its better to leave it broken then get hurt trying to put it back together.


quoted Esther Chia.

True, so true in a way. and i've been reading yongen's blog too.

Her words just came running to me, giving me a smack on my forehead.

Our situations were very similar. or should i say it's the same.

we both SHOULD have walked away months ago.

unfortunately, i always crumbled down in the word of Love.

after our first breakup, everything changed immediately.

and from 1st Jan 08 till 23rd May 08, friends kept telling me to break up with him.

They dont trust him. We're not compatible. and so on.

I struggled myself to refrain from saying those breakup again because i know

i will still go back to him even though i wasnt really happy at all.

and finally the 5 months ordeal is over.

I should be happy.

But im not really happy.

I wasnt happy in this relationship, but i still loved him.

I dont know why.

Anyway, all of this doesn't matter anymore.

It's in the past now.

Now i need to get back on track of my life.

Some guardian angel told me to do some deep soul-searching.

I know soul-searching is very important but i really hate doing it because i always get frustrated in the end. I will never know what my heart is thinking.

What do i really want to do in life?

What do i really want?

All these years, i thought maybe i am not matured enough to think or i really dont know what i want.

Only at this moment, i know the reason why i dont know what i want in my life.

I've closed my heart from myself this whole time.

I've long lost connection with my heart.

I've long received any cries from this heart.

I've long shut down my heart because I dont want to be seen as a weakling.

I dont want to let anyone know how i really feel because I dont wan to be bullied nor taken advantage of or for fear of mocking.

Neither do i want to show it out.

I dont want those days to come alive again because i had enough of those in my childhood days.

I've always been acting strong and happy when i am not.

And the reason for me being high at some time and went quiet immediately was because that's my limit to being a facade and i would just tell myself to go along with the flow.

I know friends would want me to be me.

I know friends wont mock me and leave me alone.

I know friends will stand by me, giving me encouragement.

And i just realised that.

It's like you know this sentence like common sense and keep telling people but only to find out, after some life experiences, you understood this sentence suddenly. like a new light of view.

I was so blinded by my fears and all.

And it kind of dawned me that i totally shut myself from my own feelings that i dont realise what im thinking or whatsoever and my friends know me MUCH better than i do.

as if my feelings are not important to me anymore.

I've totally neglected myself because im always out there knowing someone else more than myself.

I valued others' opinions more than me.

I see others more important than me.

I dont see myself.

But it's hard to get rid of this hardcore habit.
However, im truly happy that im really fortunate to have a bunch of girls to be my bff :))))

for now, i will continue do more soul-searching and try to open myself up.

so you girls will see more of me :D

for now, im back to the facade and happy-go-lucky girl before entering the prev r/s.

and you girls are the greatest encouragement i got to have the courage to take this first step.

till then, i still love you girls.